The Daily Ink
by Neon Tetra
Summary: News stories based on old cartoons. Rated PG for cartoon violence.
1. Cat Struck by Anvil

**Cat Struck by Anvil**

_Pet makes miraculous full recovery from gruesome injury_

Sylvester the cat was literally flattened when an anvil fell on him from a third-story window, sources say.

"He was just walking along, you know, doing his cat thing, when this anvil falls out of nowhere and squishes him flat," recalls fifteen-year-old loafer I. P. Freleng. "It was actually kind of funny."

Concerned citizens rushed in to help the unfortunate feline. These included thirty-seven-year-old insurance salesman Rick Cogel. "Five of us all pulled the anvil off of him-- it must have weighed four hundred pounds," Cogel estimates. "There wasn't much left of him, just this black-and-white furry pancake thing with two feet and a nose and a little tail. I was sure he was dead, until he walked away."

Sources confirm that the cat, although severely mangled, was able to walk to a nearby service station, where he restored his own natural shape with the aid of an air hose. "You'd be surprized at how often that happens," remarks twenty-year-old convenience store clerk N. Anaut. "Just last week, a dog came in under the door, sucked on the air hose for two seconds, and puffed right back up again."

The cat's owner, who would only identify herself as "Granny" and refused to state her age, speaks lightly of the incident. "I hit him over the head with a broom all the time, whenever he goes after my poor dear little Tweety. It hasn't hurt him yet."

As to the source of the anvil, eyewitnesses have varying opinions. Some claim to have seen a yellow canary with severe encephalitis hovering over the scene of the accident, and draw the conclusion that the canary was responsible for the incident. Staff scientists cast severe doubts on this conclusion. "It's a simple matter of weight ratios," explains Dr. H. Grail. "A five-ounce canary simply cannot lift a four-hundred pound anvil." Despite this qualm, the cat seems convinced: minutes after the incident, he was seen running down the street with a comically oversized club in his hand, in pursuit of the canary.


	2. ACME May Face ClassAction Suit

**ACME May Face Class-Action Suit**

_Anthropomorphic predators blame shoddy workmanship for on-the-job injuries._

NEW MEXICO: On January 8th, Wile E. Coyote checked into a state-run animal hospital, where he was treated for massive internal injuries and malnutrition. He blames both problems on the ACME corporation.

"Though I am a truly gifted genius, I cannot be expected to compensate for the utter stupidity of others," laments Coyote, who recovered almost instantaneously from injuries sustained after he sequentially sped through a rock formation, fell several thousand feet, and was crushed by a falling boulder. The accident occured as Coyote attempted to catch an unidentified supersonic vehicle (which he refers to as "the road runner"), with the assistance of a pair of ACME Rocket-Powered Skates.

"As manufacturers of rocket-powered skates, they [the ACME corporation] had to have known that geniuses such as myself would attempt to use said skates in the pursuit of roadrunners," argues Coyote, "yet, the packaging for the skates was entirely devoid of warning labels, and the documentation failed to mention anything about the inability to turn or the tendency of the rockets to fail when the wearer is suspended in mid-air."

Other talking carnivores with opposable thumbs have made similar claims. Sylvester the cat, who came to the public's attention after a recent article detailed his involvement in an anvil-related accident, relates an incident involving more than five dozen ACME Quick-Spring Mousetraps. "I am not a mouth," Sylvester declares, his speech severely slurred due to lip and tongue injuries which he blames on the mousetraps, "tho, why ith it that thicthty-theven mouthtrapth, which failed to thpring when upthet by a mouth, all latched onto me?"

Sylvester and Coyote recently met with other victims of ACME product-related injuries to discuss the possibility of a class action suit. "We're not, I say, we're not askin' for much, ya see," states Foghorn Leghorn, who had to have his beak and wattle reattached after an ACME Exploding Dog Bone went off prematurely. "We just want compensation, uh, our due recompence, that is."

ACME, Inc., has declined all requests for an interview, however, in an open letter to all interested journalists, company chairman M. Blanc "claims no responsibility for injuries resulting from the misuse of our [ACME's] products. We have made every effort to help consumers make an informed choice."

Legal experts are divided in their opinions on the possible outcome of the suit. While some insist that the weight of the prosecution's arguments cannot help but win the case, others, including staff attorney Dewey Chitomand Howe, argue that ACME's high-powered legal team will win the day. "The company has managed to stay out of the headlines by settling out-of-court on a number of claims. Unless the litigants are committed to playing hardball, this case will be no different."

Whatever the outcome, this journal will continue to provide details on the case as they become available.


End file.
